Oftentimes when someone asks why we do something specific, we tend to respond with “because why not” or “because I like it” or something along those lines. These responses, although true, are not real. They do not reach the root of the question. Most of the time, we honestly may not know why we do something. It might indeed be that we do it because we like it. But why??
I've asked myself this question many times before and what I've come to realize is that it's not a question that is easily answered.
I used to think I hiked because I liked nature and being outside. Although this is very much true, it is not the reason I hike. Over the course of my life I have hiked thousands of miles. And it took every single step to understand why I do what I do.
It wasn't until last summer on the JMT that I truly knew.
After a grueling 20+ miles, and me constantly questioning if I should go over the pass or not, I decided to go for it. This was not without Ankle’s and Trout-Scout’s encouragement. The amount of times I said I was going to go over Donohue kind of made me have to in some sense. I had fixed my mind on it, now I just had to tell my body to go. I remember this day vividly. It was full of anxiety, and stress, and the news of the National Forests shutting down was spreading like a wildfire down the trail. I knew that the only way I would be ‘safe’ from being forced to exit was to go over that pass and entering Yosemite. Time was ticking. I had done a 20+ mile day the day before, yet I had another 20+ miles to do this day. I was tired. But I was fueled with the desire to accomplish my goal. There was no way in heck I would not be finishing the trail.
It was on the way up to Garnet Lake that we got an unexpected spot of service. We frantically checked our emails trying to get updates on the closure. Everyone seemed to have different information on what was happening. Some were saying that if you were already on trail, you would not be asked to leave, while others were saying that rangers were posted at the trail exits and guiding people off. For now, we thought we were good to stay. We slowed our pace, enjoying where we were. After a nice lunch break, we got some new news that people would indeed be kicked off the trail should they encounter a ranger. This meant go time. I was ready. After a filling lunch, my energy was back and I was ready to crush the last handful of miles. I said farewell to Ankle’s and Trout-Scout, promising to wait for them on the other side of the pass (they had decided to make a base camp right below the pass and go over it in the morning). And with that, I was off.
To be quite honest, I do not remember most of that stretch. I stopped at Thousand Island Lakes for a snack and to retape my knee, and then again on the other side of the climb from the lake to soak my feet, fill up my water, and retape my feet (after lots of miles I sometimes develop pain in my arch and I have found that putting tape on the spot to add pressure seems to help). Besides this, it is only bits and pieces that come to mind. The dry ponds, the boulder fields, the half filled water sources with mule droppings rendering them undrinkable. I remember seeing the top of the pass, and stopping to fill my water in the little stream that crossed the trail. It seemed so close but I knew I had at least two to three miles to go.
Finally, finally, I crested the pass. I was filled with something I had never felt before.
I was overcome with joy and gratitude. I was beyond high on life. I felt so free. Freer than I had ever felt before. I also felt fulfilled. Like if my life were to end then, I could die knowing what true happiness was. I also recognized a sense of confidence in myself, and a strength I had never known I had. I had done this, me, alone, on my own free will. I knew I could do it and I did. I learned my mind was so much stronger than any muscle could ever be. I was so proud of myself. Truly proud of myself and every hurdle I had jumped in my life that led me to this very spot at the top of the pass.
The scenescape was mesmerizing. I remember thanking God for his creation and for granting me the strength and courage to see the world in its raw form. I also remember there being these peaks in the background, five of them, one for each member of my family. I was overcome with emotions, emotions I had never felt. This feeling of intrinsic joy. This feeling of belonging.
It was here that I learned why I hike.
I hike to feel free.
